


defenestrate me

by Rag



Series: get happy [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Communication, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Intrusive Thoughts, Rape Recovery, Recovery, referenced pedophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 04:18:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13942449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: dave suffers for like 45 minutes before asking dirk to open a window(if you haven't read the main story, this offshoot probably isn't going to make sense)





	defenestrate me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Makizushi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makizushi/gifts).



> this is a requestprompt gift for Makizushi! Makizushi fucking rocks and has given me a ton of super helpful feedback and support and ideas for this series  
> they have so many good ideas and stealing them (with permission) is such an honor >:D
> 
> they also have an amazing fucking series that deals with a lot of the same themes that this one deals with and i highly highly HIGHLY recommend their stuff
> 
>  **content warnings:** flashbacks, intrusive thoughts about incest and rape, referenced pedophilia

It’s movie night. Dave has been looking forward to movie night for two weeks now. Last week’s movie night got delayed until today for reasons yet undisclosed, but Dave has a funny feeling the reason starts with J and ends with ake and he’s going to very smoothly put the decompression offer on the chill table for that tonight. Like a bro. Like a cool guy. Go ahead, dude, eat that cheese cube and water cracker. It’s just sitting there, ripe for the taking, with fancy umbrella toothpicks and everything.

But he’s been looking forward to this because hanging out with Dirk is great, and lacking it for a week sucked. He’s hankering for his dose of bro time. Talking online is chill, and better than nothing, but it’s been longer than usual since they’ve been in person together. And, there was that little niggling fear that’s always there around Dirk, that he decided that everything was too fucking weird, and he’s letting him down gently, lightly rubbing the strings of fate that bind them against a pumice stone instead of slicing it severed with his katana. They turned out to be unfounded, like they always do.

Dirk texted him again today to confirm he was still coming and laid out a smorgasbord of movies and genres to choose from. He’d created a new algorithm based on past preferences that integrates movies from all over the world, as long as they have English subtitles. Including the really shitty ones with Dirk’s own auto-translator prototype subtitles, the quality of which leaves them wondering if the movie is that badly written or if the bot is bugging out.

It’s also been eons (a week and a half) since Dave had a movie marathon, because apparently just because that’s his favorite way to spend a Friday or Tuesday or Sunday or any day of the week, it’s not necessarily Jade or Karkat’s, and they’re being all equal about this stuff now instead of just letting him steamroll literally everything all the time.

Jade gives him a teleport to the front of Dirk’s yard. She kisses him goodbye and poofs away. Dave rings the doorbell with a smile on his face. She’s so cute.

Dirk opens the door.

“Hey.”

“Yo.”

The place smells like pizza and something that immediately sets Dave’s nerves on edge. Heavy and musky, like skin and sweat. Eugh. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to solve that puzzle. Anyways, thinking about anything else, fuck.

“Pizza?”

“Yeah, Jake made some. He’s really good at it.”

Dave thinks back to the last time he’s had Jake’s “really good” cooking. Maybe he’s being spoiled by Karkat’s fucking three-star Michelin level shit, sure, yes, okay, but there comes a point where cold beans and pear chunks on a plate is just objectively not good. “Are you sure? I’ve had his cooking. Think you’ve got some rose-colored glasses on.”

“I mean, he’s never burnt it, and he stopped leaving the plastic on after the first time...” Dirk trails off. “I should figure out how to automate the removal based on time increments.”

“You’re talking about frozen pizzas.”

“Is there another kind?”

“Oh, woah, dude. Are you at all hungry right now?”

“Sure.”

“We’re ordering pizza.”

Dave goes online and gets a mild overabundance of different pizzas because Dirk doesn’t know what kind he wants. He also metaphorically teaches Dirk to fish through the magic of online delivery. It sometimes blows his mind how Dirk doesn’t know something like “you can go online and get food sent to your house, yes, for real, in this city,” while he can build a custom hyperintelligent, sentient robot from scratch. But it makes sense. There weren’t delivery services in the post-apocalypse world. Just cans.

He tries to focus on what he’s doing, and not the fucking smell of the house. He fails.

“So, is Jake around?” Dave asks. Because he’s maybe having one of those days, and if Jake was here, that would help.

Dirk shakes his head. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

“Is he coming back later?”

“Yeah?” Dirk sounds confused. Because it’s kind of a fucking weird question to ask. “He’s at Jane’s.”

“Oh. Cool.”

Dave pushes away the thought that he really wishes Jake was here, now, because it’s definitely one of those days. It’s a stupid thought and he’s not gonna fucking entertain it, not today. Nope. They’re not fucking making this about him and his dumb shit. Fuck that. He sits on the couch with Dirk and does not flinch when Dirk tosses him a throw blanket.

“Are you two cool now?”

“Is it that obvious we weren’t before?”

“I mean, the only time you don’t give a concrete excuse is when you’re fighting with him.”

“Oh.”

“Uh, not to be pushy.”

“No, it’s fine. Yeah, we figured it out. It’s fine now.”

Which Dave understands to be code for, he doesn’t really want to talk about it. So he drops it. “Cool. Alright. Show me the algorithm.”

Dave really doesn’t want it to be one of those days. They come up less than they used to, these fucking days where all he can think about is how today could be the day it all changes and Dirk holds a katana to his throat and tells him to spread his legs. These days used to happen more often. These days used to be every other time they hung out, for a while. Always with the fucking thoughts that he fucked it up, he did it now, he brought it on himself, he planted the seed in Dirk’s mind that there was a splinter of him out there that saw nothing wrong with shattering his way through 15 different taboos and fucking him in particular, this one, this particular version of him that’s now sitting in Dirk’s living room.

He was hoping that dumbass fear would go the fuck away after he told him about the shit. Because Dirk is cool and amazing and super fucking kind and good and was happy to work with him. But, nope. They’re less frequent than they used to be, but it still comes up, and the more he tries to not think about it the more bores its way to the front of his mind.

And it’s kind of funny, because sometimes, when he lets himself think about this, he knows the same shit he’s getting past with Jade and Karkat. He knows it just makes everything suck and it’s counterproductive and stupid to ignore it. But everything is more complicated when it comes to Dirk. It’s one thing to tell him what Bro did. It’s a very different thing to tell him that he’s afraid that Dirk will fucking rape him, on this couch, right now. That’s way too fucking much. There’s a line somewhere, and that’s a thousand miles past it. He needs a different solution if he wants to keep hanging out with him, which he does, because he’s fucking great.

And maybe he can just make it not be one of those days. Somehow. Hmm.

“For the movies?” Dirk asks, bringing Dave out of his head. “Or the music one?”

“Shit, there’s a music one?”

“Yeah. It’s in beta.”

“Fuck, dude. Yeah, pass that over. Also, you want to work on the album some more later?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

That’s good, that’s perfect, there’s the grove of normal. He keeps getting interrupted by these little weird mental jumps about kissing Dirk, which is fucking revolting and makes him want to tear his hair out and scream, or Dirk bowling him over and fucking him until he bleeds, but he’s ignoring them. He’s so fuckin strong, his fucking awful broken sick fuck mind has nothing on him.

“You okay?”

“What?”

“You’re barely breathing.”

Or not? Maybe it has a tiny bit of something on him. But just a tiny bit. He’s in control.

What a fucking joke.

He should probably admit to himself that he’s having one of those days. And he should tell Dirk. But there’s no solution, and the fear isn’t rational, and there’s a hundred excuses and they’re excellent and it really, really seems like keeping it to himself is the best bet.

He’s scared that if he admits it, if he puts words to it and gives the fear shape, it’ll make it real. It’ll bring it into being. Dirk will think about it, and he might think, _why not?_ And Dave will freeze and take it and lose everything and-

And he’s scared that if he admits it, it’ll make it stronger, and he’ll barely be able to look at Dirk before the fear hits him with the force of an oncoming freight and he has go home and cry or whatever the fuck makes him feel better.

If he keeps it to himself, he’s in control of it. If he lets Dirk know how fucking broken his brain is, that it can’t stop sending out these fucking signals to be on the lookout for violence constantly because that’s what family does to you, it makes it real and it makes it bigger than he can handle and it makes it a Problem that he can’t fix.

Karkat and Jade have been sending him these articles about calming down and shit. Working through flashbacks and shit. Maybe go to therapy shit. He didn’t ask them to, they just do it. And he’s glad he pushed back his kneejerk reaction of “tell them this is nice but he really doesn’t need or want it” and actually read them, because now he has a plank to grasp at in the stormy sea. He’s overthinking shit, and he can try and just focus on what’s in front of him. Dirk, looking at him blankly.

 “So, what do you want to watch? I got Japanese vampire movies and the top 15 Brazilian horror movies of all time. And other categories too. Here.”

He hands Dave a tablet filled with the nichest shit.

“Where do you get your ideas. Fuck. Can our debut movie a wordless noir zombie comedy?”

“Are you sure about the wordless part?”

“Hm. Yeah, no. Maybe only subtitles for 20 minutes, though. An homage.”

“That could work.”

He picks silent zombie movies from the 80s. And passes the tablet back to him. Dirk presses a few buttons and then it’s lighting up the screen.

The movie starts, and shit gets normal again. Dave does the hell out of his grounding techniques. He’s here, now, with Dirk, not Bro. The place reeks of musk. Maybe he should ask them to open a window. That’s not a terrible idea, actually. Yeah, he’s-

And then Dirk is leaning over him. Dave flinches back and draws in on himself, draws his legs up on the couch and tries to put as much space between him and Dirk as possible. He wasn’t being unreasonable. He wasn’t making it up. It’s real, and he’s doing it, right now, he’s going to push him over and kiss him whether Dave wants it or not, and Dave remembers the fucking disgusting taste of his tongue when he’d shove it in his mouth, beer and weed and fucking potato chips, and he’ll pull his pants down and Dave will fucking knock him out, he’s not taking it again, if he fucking touches him he’ll-

Dirk drops the remote. Because he’d picked up the remote. That’s all he was doing, picking up the remote, which was on the arm of the couch, next to Dave. Dave tries to breathe.

“You okay?”

“Super okay dude yeah.”

Dirk stares at him. “You really don’t seem okay,” he says quietly.

“Maybe not the most okay I’ve ever been?”

And the doorbell rings. Dave almost jumps out of his skin. He could fucking cry. God, pull it together, holy shit.

Dirk looks at him, his eyebrows drawn up in worry, and then gets up and goes to the door. And while he’s paying the delivery driver, Dave has time to chill, center, calm the fuck down, etc.

Dirk comes back with two steaming cardboard boxes. He stares at them for a moment. Neither of them move. Dave forces himself to unpeel his arms from around his knees.

“The pizza can wait if, you know.”

“No, dude, let’s dig in.”

Dirk hesitates, then opens the box.

Dave eats about half a slice in silence, and Dirk just stares at his piece. It appears they’re going to have to address this.

Dave tries to think of an easy way to save this and comes up completely blank. Fuck. God, fuck this. He’s just gonna have to put on his fucking big boy pants and have a fucking conversation, isn’t he. He’s being a jackass. This is his brother’s first fuckin’ pizza that (probably) wasn’t frozen, and he’s making it all weird with his nonsense. And he could feel all fucking sad and pitiable about that, or he could make it better.

“I’m having a lot of shit thoughts today,” he says.

“Yeah, I kinda figured. Should we do something else?”

Dave takes a deep breath. “Okay, like. Not to be weird, but. Can we open a window, it fucking reeks in here. No offense.”

Dirk goes still, and then starts to flush. “Oh. Right. No, okay. Yeah. It would. I mean, sure, it might. That could make sense, maybe-“

Dave raises his eyebrows.

“Look, I’m trying to not make it weird, which might be a pointless endeavor at this point.”

“If anyone made it weird, it’s me, for not telling you the second I walked in that it smelled like a professional orgy just went down on your couch.”

Dirk puts down his pizza, leans over, and buries his head in his lap.

“You okay?”

His voice is muffled by his legs. “Yeah, just dying of humiliation. I’ll be fine.”

“Dude, don’t worry about it.”

“Jeeves, open windows A2 through A5.”

Something whirs to life, and then a weird little flying robot is opening the windows. It immediately helps dissipate the stank.

Dirk starts to lift his head up. He picks up his phone and mumbles something quietly into it.

“What?”

“I’m having it turn on a fan and douse laundry spray on the, uh. On the… nevermind.”

Dave snorts. “Thanks.”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about it. But like, no shit, that’s going to bug you.”

Something in Dave’s weird, antsy lizard brain starts to click into place, and he slowly feels himself relax.

“I appreciate it. Seriously, thanks. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay. Allow me a moment to collect the scraps of my dignity from the floor.”

“Eat some pizza. You have to. Pizza fixes everything.”

Dirk sits up and carefully picks up a piece of pizza.

“Interesting shaping.”

Dave stares at him. “What.”

He gestures at the slice. “Triangular.”

“What.”

“What?”

“How do you… do I want to know? How you guys eat your pizza?”

“We cut it in half.” There’s no joking edge to his voice. Dave is pretty sure he’s serious.

“Holy shit.”

“Is this the established way to consume it?”

“Yes. Yeah, you could say that. Or squares.”

“Squares. Weird.” Dirk stares at the boxed pizza intently.

“Like, little squares.” Dave makes a square with his fingers. “For when there’s a ton of people to feed with it.”

“Right. Okay. Interesting. Are you ready to start the movie?”

“Hella.”

*

The rest of the night, thankfully, passes without too much more of the intrusive bullshit thoughts. They eat too much pizza, but Dirk saves some for Jake. Who eventually comes home, kind of drunk, and joins them for one of the shorter movies. By the time Dave heads home for the night, shit is smooth as ever. Smooth as they can possibly be, probably.

He’s a little more cuddly that night Jade and Karkat smiling at him when they see him again feels like putting down the heaviest weights and laying down in the comfiest bed. He makes a mental note to thank them for those articles, later, but not now, because then it’d be obvious that he used them in relation to Dirk, which is weird and he just wants to relax and focus on the positive right now. Like how extremely huggable his partners are. Karkat is so fucking soft and warm and Jade is huggable and cute and the both of them are just two great tastes that taste great together and he’s so crazy lucky to have them.

*

Dirk texts him later that night.

TT: I was thinking.

TT: And feel free to tell me to fuck off.

TT: But you only coming here might not be the best way to approach this.

TG: what

TT: Fuck. Sorry. I’m phrasing this like a jackass.

TT: Can we start switching things up? You being here, in my house, exclusively, instead of meeting up at your place or at a coffee shop or something. Might make shit worse for you than it needs to be.

TT: And let’s just say there’s a near 0% chance of certain undesirable fumes perfuming the arcade.

TG: oh shit okay

TG: yeah actually great idea. lets mix up the fuck out of this shit

TT: Alternatively, please feel free to bring Jade and Karkat over.

TG: okay

TG: noted

TG: yeah that’d be cool sometime, we need more of that group date shit

TT: Agreed.

TG: also arcade is rad

TG: also you could come here sometime

TG: next time maybe?

TG: karkats having a great alternian bakeoff day next week hes making all fucking kids of spongecakes and you should totally hop in on it

TT: Spongecakes?

TG: tastes infinitely better than it sounds

TT: I’ll take your word on that.

TT: …And yeah, if you want, that’d be cool.

TG: hell yeah dude

TG: why the hell dont you come here more often you know

TG: kind of weird now that i think about it like wtf

TT: I don’t know. Guess we got into a pattern at some point and stopped questioning it.

TT: I figured that you don’t really like people in your space. You don’t really host things.

TG: shit yeah youre right

TG: well that can change

TG: starting with you next week, spongecakes

TT: Stellar.

TG: spectacular

TT: Brilliant.

TG: magnificent

TT: Bravura.

TG: exceptional

TT: Okay.

TG: what no its marvelous

TT: We can end it there. I think we both know who would win this game if we continued it to its natural conclusion.

TG: yeah me

TT: Interesting.

TG: fascinating

TT: Thought-provoking.

*

He’s kind of nervous about the next time it comes up. Because it’s going to come up again. If there’s anything this shit has taught him, it’s that this isn’t actually going to stop being a thing just because Dave wants it to stop being a thing.

But he has three amazing people who he loves hell out of, who are all willing to meet him in the middle with this shit. And he can say things to them about it when he needs to, and the world continues to not end when he does it. So yeah, it’ll come up again. And he’ll address it then, when he needs to. And it sucks that it happens, and it’ll suck when it happens again, but it’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.


End file.
